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Apr. 22nd, 2005 11:03 pm
People are so stupid ... God. I don't even have anything in specific that they're stupid about. It's just ... they're always fighting about the little and the big things. Bicker, bicker, whine. Exclude. Gossip. Snicker. It drives me nuts. How can people be happy? How can ... ugh.
Seriously. I try to be optimistic. But the only way I can see myself really being happy is if everything changes. Society needs a damn ceremony like Tayo did. We're all ... falling ... apart ... everything is. It's ... how much longer can it go on?
What I don't understand is why, if art, if writing, if any creative outlet is supposed to make me feel better--why, as of late, does it make me hurt even more? Why does it depress me? It's my strength. My gift. The one thing I feel I have an edge with. And all it does is depress me. I swear it's all too complicated.
And I don't get it, because things are BETTER as of late. Mom gets up. Bruce loves me. Hardly any homework. Friends are fun and I'm about to graduate. I just drew an awesome picture of Kagura-san. It's SPRING. And I still feel like the world is ending. I feel like what's-her-face from Dracula who kept having the bad dreams and morbid fits. The only time I really feel energetic and upbeat is on a caffeine high.
I realize there are lots of happy things in my life. I even laugh on a daily basis. But I still don't feel like I'm really enjoying things. Like any happiness is a few drops of water in the desert. Sun keeps boiling it away. Everything's too complicated. People are all woven together in crazy ways. People get themselves into the same problems again and again. I won't be remembered.
All I want these days is to be alone, but whenever I am I'm cold and dark.
Seriously. I try to be optimistic. But the only way I can see myself really being happy is if everything changes. Society needs a damn ceremony like Tayo did. We're all ... falling ... apart ... everything is. It's ... how much longer can it go on?
What I don't understand is why, if art, if writing, if any creative outlet is supposed to make me feel better--why, as of late, does it make me hurt even more? Why does it depress me? It's my strength. My gift. The one thing I feel I have an edge with. And all it does is depress me. I swear it's all too complicated.
And I don't get it, because things are BETTER as of late. Mom gets up. Bruce loves me. Hardly any homework. Friends are fun and I'm about to graduate. I just drew an awesome picture of Kagura-san. It's SPRING. And I still feel like the world is ending. I feel like what's-her-face from Dracula who kept having the bad dreams and morbid fits. The only time I really feel energetic and upbeat is on a caffeine high.
I realize there are lots of happy things in my life. I even laugh on a daily basis. But I still don't feel like I'm really enjoying things. Like any happiness is a few drops of water in the desert. Sun keeps boiling it away. Everything's too complicated. People are all woven together in crazy ways. People get themselves into the same problems again and again. I won't be remembered.
All I want these days is to be alone, but whenever I am I'm cold and dark.
