Sometimes I feel like if I could make one thing, just one beautiful thing. Then maybe it would be okay if I were to die. I need to leave something behind, some kind of legacy; not children - something that points to me and me alone. I know that really we're all specks in an infinite blackness and eventually no doubt we'll all cease to exist from the universe.
And yet I want to create. Desperately. I keep trying to push myself, but the crazed genius isn't there. It's been replaced by healthy habits - by talking about feelings, getting enough sleep, exercise, food. I am molding my rough edges into something soft. I'm putting supports underneath my collapsed bridges. So help me, I've chosen health and sanity instead of some crazy writer's dream of immortality. Though, you know, being happy and exercising builds more connections in your brain, so probably the idea that originality and beauty come from depression is all bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Exercise broadens your connections, which fosters creative thinking.
I want to learn neuroscience. I want to know all the parts and chemicals of the brain, how they work, what they do. Maybe someday I WILL be a scientist. Who knows? I'm in no rush. But I love to read about it.
As per the Womanly Arts book, I walked for an hour in the gently-falling snow (giant snowstorm; wide open sky; fairly warm (30 degrees) and thanked the universe aloud for everything I have. A partial list (though I want to get on with it so this is by no means complete): health, safety, youth, that my wrists and feet are holding up fine, piano, hearing, cats, being out, loving women, having an education, having food, having gotten all my shots, a generous heart, anxiety that sharpens my brain and makes me perform well... fucking McDoubles, for God's sake. There are so many things I could be at this all night.
Part two: listing things that you want, anything, everything at all, long and short term. Might as well put the wish out there!
Shit, this is gonna be a long list.
muscular arms + legs
to be 120 pounds
to know neuroscience shit
a white russian
alcoholic warmed cider
new warm fuzzy dry socks
a hot shower / hot tub / sauna
free bus service
to have friends and connections at work; for talking to not be awkward
long slow loving kisses
loving as well as kinky sex
dancing and/or casual makeouts with other people, while still staying happily committed to Margo
to have something published and/or made popular & passed around on the internet
a fizzy drink
marijuana - a dizzy high! also the act of smoking... i miss it
a rabbit or dog that loves me
they say to ask for a number that scares you... $3500 a month
a huge sumptuous brownie dessert (with no guilt)
watching the sun set in the mountains
a whole collection of fancy teas
wrist warmers in soft fuzzy colors
thinkgeek gift card
to not be afraid of giving blood
to be able to run at 6 or 7 mph for longer stretches of time (like 5 minutes)
deep friend connections - looking people in the eyes, talking a long time in person
amv footage & technology
a nexus 7
a new laptop
a solid working ipod with better headphones
a ride in a limo or helicopter
to have sexy sexy hair
to get hit on frequently and take it well
to charm people wherever I go (when I want to)
tiny sugar and chocolate chip cookies
a crazy awesome free vacation to somewhere tropical
a swanky hotel stay with a glimmering pool
a sexy bikini / swimsuit I feel great in
a whole new wardrobe for pennies on the dollar
new foundation, lipstick... lots of makeup really. to experiment!
a nice snuggly new comforter
new ikea furniture / storage methods
a huge fucking birthday cake
to feel at home anywhere & everywhere