Feb. 11th, 2016

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Phew, OK. I crashed last night at 7 PM and got 9 hours of sleep. I still feel cold and shivery, but more like I'm ready to kick ass again. I have some energy. That's good.

Today is my first day leading an experiment at the lab. I'm a little terrified. I mean, it's GOOD terrified, if that makes any kind of sense. It's a thing that I want to learn how to do. But the way the training works means that I haven't practiced this for, like, two months, and I'm really afraid I'm going to forget the next step or accidentally shock the poor girl. Or jab her in the eyeball with the q-tip. I know that I've spent a lot of time rehearsing mentally, so there's much no goddamn way I'm going to poke her in the damn eye with the q-tip.

But still. It's weird to think that I'll be administering intelligence tests. It's weird that I'll be attaching electrodes to a stranger's face. I'm used to being the second-in-command, the little sister, the sidekick. The quiet one who takes it all in and is forgotten. I guess that isn't really me, anymore. And I figure Ashley must have known what she was doing when she promoted me to a lead research assistant. I am thoughtful and care a lot and have a calm, assured kind of demeanor, and I will practice over and over until I get it right. I know I'm well-suited for this. I know I can do it.

But it's still a little weird to be in that lead role, the experimenter. The face of science.

Worth it though. This is exactly the kind of experience that grad schools lap up. This is what I want to be doing with my professional future. Something with meaning. Something that involves human beings instead of a bunch of furnace model numbers.

I just have to remember it's not going to go perfectly and that's okay.

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August 2017

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