Apr. 22nd, 2010

pufferfishkisses: (Default)
Oh blah. Cassie called me and since then I can't fall back asleep. My mind is going in circles over and over, thinking about her, thinking about New Year's, thinking about how even after these years I don't know how to be myself around her. I feel this overwhelming pressure to be as likable and amicable as possible to help counter what I put her through then, and it makes me blunder, say things I don't mean.

What I said: You know me, I prefer to hang out with people one-on-one.
What I meant: When it's you, I want to spend time with just you, without anyone else distracting you. I actually like hanging out in groups of people now.

What I said: You have a billion other friends in the cities, so I'm sure you have plans already, but you're always welcome to stay here.
What I meant: I wouldn't feel right if you didn't stay. Please stay. Let's talk all night and cuddle before we fall asleep.

What I said: Eh, it's okay if you only wanna hang out for a couple hours. I understand.
What I meant: I'd be disappointed if I only got to see you for a couple hours. I haven't seen you for months, and I'd be thrilled if we could spend a whole day together, like old times. I just don't mention it because I know the chances of that happening are zero.

God. No wonder I feel conflicted.


pufferfishkisses: (Default)

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